Jily: A How-To
by Lil' Quill
Summary: One evening in the library, Lily stumbles upon a rather odd book...and not just and book. A guide. And somehow, it seems to involve her.


**A/N: YAY! A JILY PARODY! Buckle up, 'cause I'm gonna butcher, slaughter, and ruthlessly murder many of those Jily stories out there. DUN DUN DUNNNN!**

** Disclaimer: If I owned a Knut for every time I was J.K. Rowling, I'd be filthy...destitute...heh. Not like I already am.**

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Lily Evans strolled down to the library, her fiery red hair swishing behind her. This amazing room full of books was one of the many privileges of being a Hogwarts student. Lily breathed in the scent of pages as she scanned the titles on the innumerable shelves, her emerald green eyes sparkling in delight.

She paused as her fingers brushed against a strange book and frowned. The book was oddly thin, and fancy gold lettering spelled out Jily: A How-To on the binding. This title definitely did not belong in the Potions section. So Lily, being the curious girl that she was, pulled out Jily: A How-To from the mahogany shelf and settled down to read.

**Jily: A How-To**

_**By An Anonymous Little Quil**_

**Step One: Start off your Jily! Make sure that EVERYTHING is in Lily's point of view. Because we all know that LILY has to fall for James and James is already in love with her and would go to such lengths as touching Snape's greasy, icky hair for her. So, Lily should wake up one summer morning. And, like, she'll receive a letter. And she'll get her boring letter, blah blah blah, and stuff. And then, all of a sudden, she's HEAD GIRL! YAY! That is CRUCIAL. Because, like, EVERYONE knows that James is gonna get Hat Bipolar Disorder.**

Wait, what? was this a Marauder prank? Lily, however, was too bored out of her mind this Saturday evening to actually care. If she had to, she'd just give the boys detention.

**Step 2: Include a Petunia moment. Petunia should yell, and Lily will start crying, and stuff. And make sure this happens RIGHT BEFORE they board the train. And then, Lily goes aboard the Hogwarts Express and stuff.**

Contrary to popular belief, Lily wasn't _always_ crying about her sister. This author was absolutely off her rocker.

**Step 3: Include Lily's friends. Make one of them really pretty and slutty, and another one really shy, and maybe a really happy, bubbly type. And make Lily, a boring, studious girl, like Hermione.**

This made Lily quite mad. She was _not _a boring nerd girl. And she honestly doubted that this Hermione girl, whoever she was, was all that bad.

**Step 4: Introduce James. He's Head Boy, so Lily meets him there. Make sure you mention how hawt he is. Like, his hawt dark hazel hair and his hawt brown eyes and the fact that he's so hawt and fit that he even has a hawt six-pack on his hawt face. And make sure that you mention Lily's gorgeous blond hair and gorgeous blue eyes, even though she had boring red hair and boring green eyes before. Hey, life is the variety of spice, or something like that! And then make Lilly and James fight.**

_Wow, _Lily thought. This author needed to get her facts straight. Plus, her name was spelled wrong in that step!

**Step 5: LILLY'S B.F.!11!11!111ELEVEN!1 ****Ok, so Lily's got a boyfriend. Popular first names include a0wrgha){*EH 5r0[y[sfghruZOP0a, Matt, souaoninshupwONJEB, and 'sithjip'zrgjn'ipsi'idszf. Popular last names include sidfbzh;oiW{RHGOURHBFO, Thomas, SO;EGHOE;HBGUPAW5OHSZBVJU;, AND EA;OTTH4HIOFDGNLJNJNBJN.**

_Wait, what? My boyfriend's name is Matt Thomas!_ Lily thought.

**Step 6: Make Lily notice how hawt James is, despite how much she hates him.**

_WHAT? JAMES ISN"T HOT! _Lily thought wildly. _Suurrree, _another part of her mind said. _SHUT UP, BRAIN!_

**Step 7: Abandon your fic for, like, 3750923465765470963208476093184765092476 days and then come back again. Be all like, _i'm so dinosaurrry, guise! well, now I'm back ,so I'll start updating again!_**

**Step 8: Make Lily's boyfriends suddenly become a cheating jerk. Have an overdramatic breakup scene and have James comfort Lily.**

_Matt would never cheat on me, _Lily thought. _He's so sweet!_

**Step 9: Have James kiss Lily. Of course, Lily wouldn't mind because he's so hawt and stuff.**

_Ew. Gag me._

**Step 10: Have James ask Lily out and make sure she agrees because she's SO IN LOVE WITH HOM ALL OF A SUDDEN.**

_No, no, no! I DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT WITH JAMES, _Lily mentally ranted What a stupid book!

**So, that's how you write a Jily story! Have fun!**

**Toodles!**

Lily shut the book, shaking her head at the author's mental-ness. Even though, technically, the first five steps had already happened in her life...

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**A/N: So, likey? No likey? Please review! This fic will most likely be about five more (short) chapters. Reviews = FASTER UPDATES!**

**Ink on!**


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